


The Bad Days

by wkemeup



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Body Insecurities, Body Positivity, Body Worship, F/M, Female receiving oral sex, Oral Sex, Sex, Smut, lots of moaning, mild dirty talk, plus sized reader, the softest man on the planet, two asshole agents who dont know how to keep their mothers shut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:05:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22975849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wkemeup/pseuds/wkemeup
Summary: You and Bucky weren’t supposed to be together, not according to the cruel voice in the back of your mind or the two agents you overhear mocking your relationship
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 207





	The Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes I have bad body days and I need to hear what Bucky says in this fic. hope it’s helpful to any of you who deal with this too

The mirror hadn’t been kind to you lately, nor have the thoughts ruminating through the back of your mind every time you accidentally caught a glimpse of yourself in its reflection. Mood instantly brought down by what you’d see, reminding yourself that the picture in your mind was not was the world saw when they looked at you.

Too soft curves that didn’t fall flat on toned muscle. A jiggle of skin when you walked, some hanging at your bicep when you lifted your arms. Thighs that rubbed together, causing redness and burning at the skin. Too much space taken up in the subway, constantly trying to hold yourself in. Suck in your stomach. Move out of people’s way so they wouldn’t notice you. The faded reflection of the window would catch your eye and you’d evert your gaze.

You didn’t always feel this way. Some days you’d wake up feeling powerful, like your body was made of nothing but strength and you thanked it for carrying you. You’d have a good day in the gym with Nat and she’d push you just enough to challenge you without feeling inadequate. You weren’t an avenger, didn’t have the physical skill set or the body to fit into one of those skin-tight suits, but you were useful. You were an analyst and a hacker, though Fury wouldn’t exactly put the latter on your job description.

You were not without worth. You knew this. But there were days like today that you found yourself placing all of your value in the plump curves of your body, curves you despise, curves that bumped and jiggled and protruded against high waisted skirts and form fitting tops. Days like today when you wished you could disappear.

There would be times when you’d wake up this way, roll out of bed in the morning already feeling gloomy only to find yourself in the mirror at the wrong angle. Others, you’d be feeling rather normal, maybe the shape of your body didn’t even cross your mind, when you’d hear someone snicker behind you or you’d be trying on jeans in a fitting room you couldn’t get past your hips even though you have pants at home in this size goddamnit, or you’d see beautiful, young, thin girls laughing together as they tried on countless dresses and tops and each one fit them so perfectly you couldn’t help the envy that sunk at your heart.

Today, it had been a typical morning. You’d woken up just fine, gotten ready for another day at work, had your bagel for breakfast, rode the elevator down to the office Tony insisted you have in the tower since he’d hijacked you as the avenger’s personal analyst, and made it nearly six hours into your shift without issue.

There was no mission today, so you caught up on old paperwork and checked in on the intel for a few traffickers and arm’s dealers Fury had requested you keep an eye on. It was a normal day. No worrying about the team or about your boyfriend, Bucky. No high stress frantic typing as you hacked computer systems from hundreds of miles away to watch out for your makeshift family through security cameras and blueprints. Today was supposed to be uneventful.

Then, as you were heading over to the kitchen for a coffee break, you paused at the door, catching your name whispered by an agent you didn’t recognize. You took your hand away from the knob and pressed your back against the wall, listening carefully.

“You must be pullin’ my chain,” the agent chuckled, disbelief evident in his voice.

“No, I’m being serious!” The second voice was a woman’s, high in pitch, the kind of voice you’d hear in the movies of a sweet, likable woman without much content in her character. Not that you were assuming that of this woman, she was a SHIELD agent, after all. The woman giggled. “I heard they started dating a year ago but it’s been on the down low, for… obvious reasons.”

You pursed your lips. Maybe you’d heard him wrong. You were just about to walk into the room when he spoke again.

“There’s no way in hell Barnes is with that woman,” the male agent argued, a laugh in his tone that made your heart plummet so far beneath the surface you were sure you’d never find it again. “I’m not saying that he’s a catch here, we all know the messed up shit he’s done, but a guy that looks like that could be with models.”

“That’s what I was saying!” The woman giggled again and it pierced at your heart. “He’s sculpted like a God. There’s clearly a reason why they say his mind’s been in a blender for the last seventy years if he’s willingly sleeping with her when he could get with literally anything. No wonder he’s been keeping the whole thing quiet.”

Tears welled in your eyes and you felt sharp pricks in your palms before you realized it was your own nails digging into your skin. There was a piece of you, the logical voice begging to be heard, that knew the only reason you and Bucky hadn’t been public about your relationship was to protect you from the press and his enemies. The team - your family – knew. It was all that mattered, wasn’t it? You weren’t sure now.

“Damn, Harper,” the man laughed.

Agent Madeline Harper. You knew her. She was the kind of beautiful that people would stop on the streets and offer modeling contracts to. Tall, thin legs, toned arms, soft flowing hair that cascading in sweeps down her back. All that and a SHIELD agent, which meant she was not only gorgeous but had the skillset and training to take down a dozen men twice her size. She was everything you weren’t.

“I mean,” Agent Harper continued, her voice sultry in tone, “I’ve been flirting with him for weeks. His mind may be fucked up but he’s not blind. One of these days he’s gonna see what he’s missing out on and I’m gonna pounce.”

They both started laughing, like they knew you were standing on the other side of the door, just to be intentionally cruel. They couldn’t possibly, but it didn’t stop your mind from twisting and turning and imagining the worst. Unable to take another second, you bolted back to your office.

They were right. Of course, they were right. You had known it from the moment Bucky had asked you out to coffee with a kind of nervousness in his voice that almost had you thinking he was toying with you. He was too kind, too polite to ever say anything about your body. But you knew he must look at other women, compare you to them, wonder what it was like to run hands over smooth taunt skin that didn’t ripple when you touched it.

Heels clicking along the hardwood, shoulder bumping forcefully against the door as you struggled to open it. Shaking hands fumbled at the knob as a sob raked through your body. The door finally burst open and you fell into your office, quickly turning to slam it shut behind you. Wall to wall windows that Tony insisted was new-age and on trend at the time, exposing your complete breakdown to anyone who passed. You could hardly catch your breath; tears wet along your cheeks as you fought to close the blinds.

A darkness covered the room as the shutters closed. Sighing in relief, you staggered over to your desk where you sank into the chair. Hands brought up to your face to stifle the sobs, you sat as still as possible for another two hours before you allowed yourself to leave.

***

By the time you convinced yourself to withdraw from the safety of your office, the hallways had gone quiet. It was past six, which meant most of the day shift agents had gone home. Night shift usually spent their time beneath you on floor seven. You rubbed at the skin under your eyes, pulling your fingers back to inspect the remnants of mascara. You were certain you looked as awful as you felt, but you silently thanked Sam for dragging Bucky and Steve out of the tower for a guys’ night.

It gave you a few more hours to ready yourself before Bucky came back. You’d have to find a way to hide the red in your cheeks and puffiness in your eyes. He had a way of reading you, even if you forced out a smile and had layers of make up on, he’d know, even hours later if you’d been crying. You had once thought it was because he knew you so well. Now you wondered if it was just his training, his heightened sensitivity from the serum. Something he’d notice on anyone. Even that agent from the break-room.

You sighed, gathering the courage to open your office door and step back into the real world. The hall was empty as far as you could tell so you made a quick pace to the elevator. Pressing on your floor, you tapped your nails against the side of the metal frame anxiously as the doors closed. The only inhabitants of your floor were the few others Tony insisted he needed on site, like the army pilot who usually flew the quinjet and Dr. Cho. They usually kept to themselves. You’d be safe on this level.

The elevator dinged, opening up to the relief of unoccupied space. You half jogged down the hall to your room, pushing open the door and kicking off your heels the second you stepped inside. Thankful, you rested your forehead on the cool wood of the frame. You didn’t even notice Bucky sitting on the edge of your bed, a box of leftover pizza at the bedside table.

“What’s the rush, doll?”

Breath caught in your throat; you froze. Shoulders tensing up quickly as you straightened your back, though you didn’t dare turn around. You could hear Bucky chuckle softly behind you, though it died rather quickly when you didn’t face him.

“Y/n?” he called, a lingering of worry in his voice. The squeak of the bed meant he had stood; he was walking over to you.

Shit.

No.

You rubbed vigorously under your eyes in a last attempt to rid your skin of the mascara stains. It was useless. A gentle hand on your shoulder, your name whispered again in a plea, and you turned around, head bowed in shame.

“What is it, babe?”

You clenched your jaw so tight it hurt. Cool metal fingers under your chin lifted your face so he could see you fully. The semblance of a warm smile melted from his features the second he laid eyes on you and you winced. Brow furrowing in concern, eyes darting to each corner of your face. Then, a frustrated exhale and he stepped back, shaking his head.

“Who did this to you?” he demanded, voice stern though you knew it wasn’t aimed at you. Never at you. He was pacing now, glancing at the door like he was trying to stop himself from running out and beating up the next person he saw. “Doll, tell me what happened? Who hurt you?”

“N-no one, Buck,” you stuttered out pathetically. Arms folding over your chest in some effort to hide yourself. “It’s me. It’s just me.”

Bucky froze, eyes narrowing in confusion. “What? What does that mean?”

“They didn’t say anything I don’t already know,” you muttered, looking anywhere but the kind eyes of the man you loved so deeply. He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair to keep it from falling in his face.

He took a careful step closer to you, hands setting gently on your arms, running along your skin in hopes to relax you. It used to. On your good days. Not now. Not when the very idea of him touching you made your stomach twist in knots. Hands running over every bump, every curve, – no.

You backed away and Bucky’s hands fell back to his side. He watched you, a saddened look on his face you did your best to ignore. Biting at the dry skin of your lip didn’t do much to calm the unwavering pit in your stomach.

“Why are you even with me?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Why are we together, Buck?” you all but spat at him. The flash of hurt across his face was lost to you, too caught up in the vicious thoughts in the back of your mind. “What could you possibly be getting out of this? Huh?”

Bucky shook his head, eyes searching the ground for answers. Finding none, blue eyes met yours and they were filled with confusion and disbelief. Too innocent. Too naive. “W-why would you even ask me that?”

“You know why!” you shot back, frustrated now that he wouldn’t just admit it. “You could – you could be with anyone, Buck! Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?”

“Why are you…“ Bucky pressed his lips together, unable to gather his train of thought. He rubbed at his eyes, “I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want y-“

“What about Agent Harper?” you pressed, unable to let it go.

“What about her?” Bucky snapped back. He was growing frustrated with you. Good. It’ll make this easier. He’d be forced into tell you the truth, how he really felt. You were sure of it.

“She’s clearly interested in you and she’s—she’s gorgeous and, and perfect and, and people don’t ask questions when two beautiful people are together like that,” you stumbled out, hating how pathetic you sounded. Tears were in your eyes again, unable to control it as you looked up to meet Bucky’s eye. His shoulders had fallen, whatever frustration he carried swept away in an instant when he saw the glossiness in your eyes.

You dropped your gaze to his feet, unable to look at him. “Why haven’t you left me yet?”

Bucky faltered a bit in his stance. “W-what?”

You swallowed. It burned.

“I know I’m not built like her and I know you must think about other women when we—” you couldn’t bring yourself to finish the thought. Bucky was staring at you, eyes wide, unable to speak and you continued, “I’m not supposed to be with you, Buck. People ask questions. They wonder why you’d choose me when you could be with supermodels but– I love you Bucky, I love you so much and I swear I’m trying. I’ve been working out a lot and, and eating better. I’ll get there for you, I p-promise.”

Bucky was shaking his head, tears growing in his eyes as you a sob crept up on you. His arms were around you in an instant as you started to cry, the painful kind of cry that made it hard to breathe.

“Oh God, doll, please don’t say anymore, I’m beggin’ you,” he whispered soothingly in your ear. Your face nuzzled against his chest you breathed him in, his scent all that could help calm your racing heart, even if it was breaking. In his arms was the only place you felt safe. You didn’t know how’d you manage without it.

“I love you so much, baby,” Bucky sighed against the crown of your head. You felt his lips press down on your forehead before he continued. “I don’t want anyone else. I only want you. Just you, baby. Please, you have to believe me. It’ll break my heart if you don’t.”

You squeezed your arms tighter around his waist, trying to find an ounce of courage. “Even if I’m… bigger than those girls?”

Bucky pulled back, determination in his eyes. Slowly, he knelt in front of you, your hands setting against his shoulders. “Listen to me very carefully. I love you because of who you are, not despite whatever it is you think of your body. I love this body,” he leaned forward to press a kiss against your stomach. “I love every part of it because it’s made of you. I love your thighs because they’re yours. I love your arms and your stomach and that beautiful face because they’re yours. I love everything about you and it kills me you don’t see yourself the way I see you.”

“Bucky,” you whispered, the voice in the back of your mind still fighting him. It’s been ingrained in you for so long, you didn’t know how to make it stop.

“I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to convince you if I have to,” Bucky promised, the sincerity in his voice startling you. He bent down and kissed the outer edge of your thigh, then to your belly, and up to the top curve of your breast. He kissed down your arms, at your neck, under your chin. He paused before he met your lips. “You’re it for me, doll. You’re all I want. Just you.”

Lips pressed to yours and you sigh in relief. You can feel his hands touch at your sides, grazing along to your back as he holds himself against you. This time, his touch doesn’t burn, it doesn’t leave you feeling broken and wounded, like he was searching for imperfections.

No—this time, it ignites.

Hands braced against the sides of his face as you deepen the kiss further, tongue brushing against his lower lip and a sweet sounding moan falls from his mouth. The kiss is slow, careful, like he was taking his time memorizing you all over again. He pulls away for only a moment and you wine.

He chuckles, crossing his arms by his waist to pull his shirt over his head. He tossed it towards the hamper, though he missed by a few feet. Toned muscles, hard and defined, under your fingertips as you reached out to touch him. He closed his eyes, reveling in the feel of it. Your hand brushed up to his marred shoulder, setting carefully against the scarring. You glanced over at his face, watching the way his smile faltered for just a moment.

Peppering kisses along his shoulder, you touched every scar he wore. When you were satisfied, you pulled back, hands setting at the sides of his face to draw his attention to you. 

“I love every part of you, too, you know? Including this,” you gestured to his left arm. He gave you a sad smile. “It’s part of you so I love it. That’s how this works, right?”

Bucky nodded, a little apprehensive and still, “yeah doll, that’s how it works.”

He brushed his lips back to yours, and you sighed against him. Sucking so sweetly on his lower lip to bring out that sound you craved you deeply. Fingers grazed at your waist, setting delicately against skin for a moment before they started bunching in the fabric.

“Can I?” he asks, though his eyes are pleading, like if he has to wait another second, he wouldn’t survive it.

Hesitancy marring your resolve for only second before you nodded, too caught up in the way he was looking at you to care about the cruel voice in the back of your head. He started to pull the fabric up, waiting patiently for you to lift your arms above your head. Once it was removed, the cool air prickled over your skin. Bucky was smiling so bright it made your stomach twist.

“So beautiful,” he whispered on an exhale as his lips connected with your neck. You stretched further, giving him more access to the skin he craved. Fingers on your back you could feel him reaching for the clasp of your bra. You took a deep breath, trying to still the racing in your heart. It wasn’t like you hadn’t slept with Bucky before, that he’d never seen you naked. But this was your first time when he knew the disdain you carried for your own body.

Bucky paused, sensing your hesitation. “Do you wanna stop?”

You shook your head, jetting forward to kiss the side of his cheek, constantly in awe of his instinctive kindness and selflessness. Watching as he licked his lips in anticipation, you reached behind your back to unclasp the material. The straps fell from over your shoulders and chest until it dropped to the floor. Bucky gazed at you, a mixture somewhere between adoration and appreciation flooding every feature upon his face. Feeling a little uncomfortable under his stare, you moved to cover yourself but a gentle hand upon yours stopped you.

“Please, doll, I wanna see you.”

You wondered how you could ever doubt him.

Then, you were skin to skin, chest pressed against his as he tugged you back towards the bed. His knees caught the edge and it sent the two of you falling onto the comforter. Bucky started laughing as he held you tightly, letting you fall to his side, and you were sure it was the sweetest thing you’d ever hear.

Once his laugher died down, he turned back to you, throwing himself on top of you and caging your head between his elbows. Slowly, he leaned down to nip at your lips before he crawled back against bed, kissing along your neck to your breast where he took a nipple into his mouth. You gasped as his tongue swirled around the bud, his other hand caressing and roaming along your side, brushing lovingly over every bump and curve you had cursed.

A grin upon his lips, he released you and scattered kisses along your stomach until he reached the top of your pants. He eyed you as you propped yourself up on your elbows. You nodded at him and his fingers started to fumble with your belt. Once freed, he slowly pulled down the zipper, moving at such a slow place you knew it was only to tease you. A mischievous smirk upon his lips, his fingers slipped between the waist of your pants and your skin and he pulled them down. Clad only in your underwear, Bucky leaned forward, kneeling at the edge of the bed as he yanked on your legs, sliding you closer towards him and you let out a surprised yelp.

Bucky chuckled as he kissed at your thigh, moving closer and closer to where you needed him most. You watched as he touched without hesitancy, without disgust or haste, he kissed at places you had pulled at, prodded at, in the mirror, licking along where you had wished for surgeon’s scalpel. He worshipped your body in a way you had never believed to be possible.

He paused, pulling you from your thoughts. Warm breath tinging your core as he looked up at you.

“Doll, I gotta hear you say it.”

You sighed as his fingers trailed along the lines the fabric. He was driving you wild and he knew it, but he had a point to prove. “Touch me, Bucky, please.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” he chuckled to himself as he carefully pulled down the last remaining material and toss it across the room. “Baby, you’re so incredible. So gorgeous, just for me.”

Bucky wasted no time as he kissed at the very edge of your leg, so close to your core that you nearly flinched from the sensation. Warm breath against your skin as Bucky laughed against you. He wrapped his arms around your thighs to keep you still. Then, his mouth was on you.

Bucky’s tongue was unlike anything else you’d ever experienced, but now, at this moment, you swore it was like the first time with him. Tongue tracing along the lips until he pressed further in. You moaned, fingers reaching down to grasp at his hair, which only urged him on. He sucked at your clit and you threw your head back against the pillow, eyes closed, unable to focus on anything but his mouth.

“Oh God, Bucky,” you whined, fingers raking harder in his hair as he slid a finger inside of you. Pumping it slowly, curving at joint, before sliding in a second. He kept his lips against you, tongue swirling at the most sensitive area until you felt your walls start to tighten, pressure building at your core, fingers pumping faster now. “Right there, baby, yes, y-yes—”

Bucky worked you over as you came, gripping hard at his hair as you thrust your hips against his mouth. He didn’t pull away until you came down from your high, still licking away the wetness he had drawn from you with such a fervor you’d never come close to with another man.

His lips curved into smirk as he crawled back up to you, kissing you on the mouth. You tasted yourself on him and it only made the emptiness in you more evident.

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” you panted against his lips, reaching down to undo the clasp of his jeans. Bucky nodded, pulling away to shimmy the jeans down his hips and kicked them off to the floor, taking his boxer briefs along with them. Your mouth watered at the sight of him, hand reaching to grasp him when he stopped you. “What are you doing?”

“This is about you, doll,” he breathed, pulling your hand up to his shoulder where you let it rest. “I want this to be all for you. Let me show you how much I love you; how much I love this body of yours. Besides, I don’t think I’ll last if you lay a hand on me.”

Taken back, you nodded, not knowing what else to say. You pulled him down to kiss you again, knowing that would convey what you felt brewing inside of you more than words could. You could feel him nudging at your entrance.

“Ahh fuck,” Bucky purred as he slowly sank into you, stretching at your walls. You gasped as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, never able to get used to how wonderful he felt inside of you. He kissed your shoulder as he filled you. “The way you feel around me – it’s unlike anything else, doll.”

“Need you to move,” you urged, ankles locked around the small of his back, forcing him closer to you.

Slowly, Bucky pulled away before he sank back into you. Only a few more thrusts of a slow steady pace before he was picking up speed, kissing at your neck, sucking a mark you know you’d find in the morning. He reached down between your bodies and pressed his fingertips against your clit and you let out a gasp.

“So good, doll,” Bucky panted, breath warm on your skin. He licked around the mark he had been stimulating along your neck. “Feels, ah, so fuckin’ good, Y/n/n.”

Hips coming more erratic, he started circling at the sensitive bud, eliciting sinful sounds from your lips. Sweet pressure building up where your bodies met, walls clenching tighter, tighter, until –

“Bucky, baby, ah-aah—” 

Prolonging your release, Bucky’s pace was losing rhythm, hips jetting forward to chase his own. You pulled his face to yours through your haze, stretching his neck to the side to nip at the one place you knew drove him wild.

“Ah, Y/n/n, fuck,” Bucky panted before he let out a strangled moan, twitching inside you as he came. He collapsed on you, kissing softly at your jawline as he pressed his hips forward in a few slow, gentle thrusts. Then, he stilled.

You kissed his cheek, chaste, as your fingers brushed through his hair. You tucked it behind his ear, wanting a better view of those blue eyes you cherished so much. He smiled back at you.

“I love you, Y/n,” he exhaled and you believed him when he said it. “Promise me you’ll come to me if you start feeling bad about yourself? So I can remind you exactly what I think of your body?”

You surprised yourself when you realized you were laughing, nodding as he leaned forward to capture your lips in his.

When you finally pull away, breathless, you said, “If every bad day ended in this, there wouldn’t be any more bad days.”

“That’s the point, doll.”


End file.
